My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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