im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
