i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
