My Higher Power is John Stamos
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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