Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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