If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
