If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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