Can i not drive my cunt home
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
