that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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