So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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