I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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