I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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