I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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