her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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