you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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