I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
