i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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