Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
