i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Randomize
