Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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