I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
