Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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