You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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