you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
