I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
