The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
