No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
