I wish I could punch you in the face.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
And then he peed in my hair
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
