i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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