my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
His hands were made for my vagina.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
