I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
