you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
