Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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