I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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