Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize