Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Randomize