I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
