I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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