if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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