I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
