I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize