these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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