its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
