so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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