i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
