I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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