I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
