I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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