a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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