Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
