I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
