Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
