I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
