these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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