You're my little dorito
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There's always time for handjobs
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize