Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Randomize
