If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
