How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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