life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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