So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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