Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
