remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Randomize
