people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
