and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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