he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
