So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
