sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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