He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
