I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
