rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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